the 4 groups of sometimes frightening weirdos that u can meet on my bus: (i don´t wanna offend u with this, i just needed to let u know how it pisses me off sometimes. hey, maybe you´re awesome persons, how can i tell?)

i´ll-sit-down-only-where-someone-else-already-sat-grandmas:
those go straight into the full back part of a bus, disregarding the empty front part and make poor students with huge bags get up for no obvious reason. maybe they get too less attention from their familiy.
the

i-look-weird-and-i´ll-stare-at-u:
they look like serial killers and everytime your eyes meet their faces, just because u h a v e to look somewhere, you find them staring at you. scary!

i-stink-and-i´ll-sit-next-to-u:
why, why doesn´t anybody have the courage to tell them they stink? haven´t they got friends or family who suffer from it?

i-may-talk-to-u-´cause-we´re-seat-neighbors:
yeah guys, you sit next to me but does that really apply a conversation? i mean, i understand this if you suffer from demetia but if not keep quiet, please!

now, did i forget someone?

sooo...today (yesterday, it´s 12:15 am) i went to the city with sammy (*hug* hun) and moni, we did some shopping. i got huge sunglasses and some clothesstuff. it was good that i joined the two of them, it made me think of something else than mike. i really love my friends, we laugh a lot together but as soon as i´m at home, things often change rapidly. partly ´cause i´m alone and have time to think then, partly because of my father who might be in a bad mood. he´s simply not able to keep his anger about nothing to himself, what a pity, he really should recognize he´s not the only person on earth...
i think moni´s family´s even worse, her dad doesn´t let her do or decide a n y t h i n g and her mom keeps quiet about it.
in my case it´s just the thing that no one seems to understand my situation. my mom (don´t get me wrong, i love her) doesn´t see how i suffer and i don´t wanna tell her because she´d think i was exaggerating. and on the outside, my dad pretends to be so nice and cool. just once he shouted at me when sammy was at our house but i had told her about how he is anyway. she was shocked ´cause her family´s really nice and normal. i often wondered why my father was this way and others not, even when i was a little child, he didn´t treat me well. there were times when i thought i didn´t deserve better, those were the most terrible month of my life.
now i got so far with my thoughts: neither have i made him this way nor have i chosen to be the way i am. still, i have found no way to deal with this...

hey guys, if someone really visits this diary i should put some effort in telling you some additional information:

samantha(sammy):she is my best friend, the person i like to hang out with most
moni:she´s nice but doesn´t tell us anything about herself though we´ve been friends for years, so i´m a little bit worried in her.
jen&bree:they are twins, jen´s loud and funny & bree´s calm and sweet
daniel(danny):my best friend about whom i already told you
connie:she´s kinda weird but a nice person
barb:was once a close friend of mine but then moved, we still like each other but don´t meet very often
ben: a strange guy i hang out with sometimes
keira:followed my class this year, we made friends
andy:keira´s older brother
michael(mike):keira´s father (the one i told you about)
anne:i hate her
my mom:very focused on housewok and her job but still awesome
my dad:difficult...

i won´t waste time on describing my teachers, you will hear of them. but don´t get too excited *lol*
(most of them belong to the less loved)

if i forgot someone, i will update.

my life seems like a big mess...i hope you won´t think i´m a sl*t right after my first entry ´cause i already feel that way.
i always did things and liked things that are not really good for me or the persons i love...and now...i´ve slept with my friend´s dad. i know this sucks and i shouldn´t have done it but i just felt i needed to. i give in too easiliy to the things i want, i always was that way and now i´m feeling as if i am cheating on my best friend! she always was there for me and it isn´t fair that i do a thing like that to her!
besides i don´t think it´s completely normal that i have a crush on men like her dad...i mean, he´s twice my age...i feel like such a sl*t, why do i keep doing such things? and i can´t tell anyone...that´s why i started this diary, i think i would die if anyone found out about how weird i am in fact...
how will that work out? i don´t want to hurt anyone but if i ended this thing it would hurt myself and i don´t know wether i could stand it...
i always make my problems other people´s problems, so that i don´t feel so alone for some time but then i can´t handle the fact that they know anything about my feelings, therefore i pretend i´m so tough and don´t need anyone, till they´re sick of it and leave me. i make everything complicated, i make my whole f**king life shit and i can´t stop. then i do things like sleeping with my friend´s dad to feel better and it works for some time, till i fall down again and everything´s worse than before...sometimes i feel nothing and i know it´s my own fault because it´s the consequence of my actions.

i have to add that i fell for this guy quite long ago, even when i still was with my (ex-)boyfriend i thought of him often.. he just attracts me in a strange way...i don´t know, he´s the kind of man that you should hate (he´s kinda selfish) but wanna be with. anybody knows what i mean? it´s weird but i left this guy i was with (daniel) ´cause i was afraid of hurting him, he´s so nice and kind. even now he tries to be a good friend since we were mates before we became a couple. i guess we never should have done that, sometimes friends are better than lovers.

ah, i forgot, my life´s not always so depressing, so don´t worry *lol*. i have my awesome friends and my hobbies :D.

i´ll quit now, so i can tell you how my selfish day was later...i hope i don´t regret writing this.
i´d like to hear your opinions but pls tell what your really think, also if it isn´t nice (how could it be).